Contrary to popular belief, lampshades are not one size fits all.  Also, hangover pills don't work.  These were but two of the lessons that Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski knew and he knew them because he had lived them.  It was research and he was committed.  Any jackass could shotgun a can of crappy beer, but Boom Boom could make that 12 ounce container of suds sing and spin and not spill a drop as it poured a steady stream down his throat.  Kind of.  He was like a poor man's Bellagio.  "Boom Boom", as he liked to point out, was a damn professional.

It was by chance, really, that Bobby Kalinski became Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski.  Opportunity had knocked and he had answered. Then, despite those that claim such things as impossible, opportunity had knocked again.  And again.  Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski was born.  For the record, Bobby "Knock Knock" Kalinski was shot down right out of the gate. 

"Who's there?" asked his mother as he came in through the kitchen door.  It was after ten.  On a Thursday.  He was fresh from schooling a bunch of losers at Beer Pong.  He was riding the high.

"It's Boom Boom, Ma," he said.

"Boom Boom who?"

This is why Knock Knock didn't take.

"It's Bobby, Ma," he replied. "It's just Bobby." He went to his room, slightly lower than he had arrived.

The thing about the day job was that it happened mostly during the day, and frankly, Bobby felt that it cramped his style.  However, his daytime coworkers were his nighttime customers and he had to make himself available.  Plus, he couldn't help but think that his being around made everyone work all the harder and the more money they made the more money he made.  Luckily, math came easy to Bobby.

"Hey, Boom Boom," they would say.

"Wazzzz up?" he might reply. Or perhaps a "yo" or even a "my man!"

Then they would talk about the money, which was easy enough.  He offered a service and they wanted it.  Prices were set but open to negotiation.

Some factors that Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski would consider worthy of barter included:

1. Beer

2. Video games/cheat codes

3. Women

The latter was only a theory, but he had scored lots of beer and one of his customers had helped him unlock Moon Knight on Marvel Team-Up, all of which had been worth knocking a few bucks off the total.  Bobby did not traffic in regrets.

Working for a software giant like Macrohard paid pretty well.  Granted, the guys that worked on the actual software made the real money.  They had cubicles and t-shirts covered in irony and the social skills of a houseplant.  Bobby had a mop, a bucket, keys to almost everything and most importantly: charisma.  He was covered in it like a layer of Brut.

Charisma, of course, was the reason he got the gigs.  Any jackass could mop a hallway, but only someone with his gift could get the party started.  Quickly. 

When opportunity first knocked it had been in the form of Jerry Linds.  Jerry Linds was throwing a party.  Jerry Linds had never thrown a party.  Jerry Linds didn't know who to turn to because the party was a surprise and only assholes ruin surprises.  So Jerry Linds turned to Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski - this is back when he just went by Bobby.

Bobby, it turns out, knew how to throw a damn party.  He had had cable TV since he was a kid.  All it took was beer, music, games, a theme and girls.  Unfortunately, girls were seldom included, but Bobby made it work.

Bobby threw Jerry Linds the best damn birthday party that Jerry Linds had ever had.  Two Tuesdays later Tyler Chang was turning 26.  It kind of snowballed from there. Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski was the life of the party - for a set price (negotiable), and it was good.  Some of the guys suggested that Bobby go by "The Life" rather than "Boom Boom" but Bobby didn't go for cereal.  He was more of a pastry man.  Besides, the life was in the now and Bobby "Boom Boom" Kalinski wasn't one to limit himself to such things as time and space continuums, respectively.  Also, "The Life" sounded like a Christian rapper and Bobby had his doubts about hip-hop or any sort of spoken word. "Boom Boom" was not a hypocrite.

On the way home he would turn down the radio and enjoy the moment where after meets now and he would listen as the booms rolled away like fading thunder.  Many nights he would sit at a stoplight and watch the girls on the corner as they sold their wares of lipstick and loneliness and he would wonder if they were really all that different. Other times he would stop at Winchell's, because if there was one thing that Ma loved it was donuts. and she would be waiting up for him.

Comments

[TwoBusy]

So very much to enjoy here. And what a wily approach to the whole "Afterlife" thing.

[ms picket to you]

This strikes me in two ways:

1) I kind of love Boom Boom

and

2) WHY COULDN'T I THINK OF THIS?