The Alphabet of Regret: H

I don't remember much about my own experience except that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Not that you'd want graphic details anyway. I blame the non-remembering on a combination of alcohol and fear.

I think I'm not alone in this, this desire to get it out of the way and move on to the real thing. It's such a small thing, standing porter to the door of a new life. It is fleeting and fragile and it does not deserve the hype. Hype and hormones. I almost forgot to blame the hormones. We would not even be having this discussion if it were not for the hormones.

Do you realize how lucky we are to have some say in it at all? Another time, another culture and it would be locked and untouchable. Even now there is a constant power struggle involved. It is all about power, make no mistake. You lay down once and you'll get walked on for the rest of your life (or something which feels like the rest of your life). You see this happen to your friends, so you choose to stay quiet and fly under the radar. There is safety in invisibility.

It's lonely being so safe.

The pretty girls are never lonely. They seem to have the easiest time with it, except the blonds (who are completely screwed). We plain ones live in fear of the phrase, “what was your name again?” Pretty or plain, you must guard your experience carefully or face the gossip and lord knows what else.

You can't talk about it to your parents because it's awkward and they're awkward and frankly they don't want to hear about it. Can you blame them? They equip you as best they can so you'll make good choices and succeed in ways they only dreamed of. They pray quietly that you don't make the same mistake they did. And yet, their mistakes give us license to follow their examples. Or set our own course. It's different for everyone, obviously.

You know how people ask if you would do it over again? My knee-jerk response is “no, no, absolutely not. No.” Then I think about it and conclude it might actually be great to do it over again. To do it knowing what I know now. Being who I am now.

I would trust myself and be more compassionate. I would get a clue and not be swayed by the fast talkers. I would not take the easy route. I'd explore all my options and take advantage of all that was open to me. Or at least more of it than I did. I kind of blew it the first time.

I would think about my future and take control of it. That's what it's for, right?

H is for High School.

Comments

[ms picket to you]

well here we go: the first (do i dare say) truly honest expression of regret. that we all can relate to.

what i would give for a time machine, right? you reminded me that since that's impossible -- it's okay.

H is for Hank You Ho.

[Seaweed]

You nailed it. I also lived in fear (and secret pride) of hearing "Hey, I didn't have time to do my homework. Can I copy yours?"

[All Adither]

You write it, girl. First, I thought you were talking about parenthood. But then, of course. Of course. High school.

[Mr Lady]

I would join the drama club. And have hot glue gun waltzes behind foam core set designs.

Wait, I already did that.

[Jett]

(Look, my Seaweed is here! I'm very excited.)

I really thought you were talking about your hymen at first, and I'm not even kidding. I'm one of the blonde ones.

I'm a freak, I suppose, in that I had a pretty good high school experience.

I am in love with the way that you write, and in a manner that I can't really quantify. Does admiration make you uncomfortable?

[Susan (Trout Towers)]

Jett - You may be one of the blonde ones, but your take on it wasn't a coincidence.

[Cheryl]

...And I hope when I get old I don't sit around thinking about it ~ but I probably will...Gory days well they'll pass you by; Gory days in the wink of a young girl's eye...

I can't imagine it would be much different even knowing what I know now.

[Greg]

Trout Towers for the win. Nicely done.

[TwoBusy]

I'm with Jett, all the way. You deked us!

Well played, Trout. Well played indeed.

[Mongoliangirl]

High school. Was I in high school? Ohhhhhh yeeeeeah! That! High school!
I am especially fond of those who still operate from the context of high school. They're funny. Especially if they've managed to hang onto that context well into their 40's or 50's.

[EarnestGirl]

you had me - hymen, line & sinker.

(but no, i would not go back. even now, with a name.)

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

I was Team Hymen, too, until the tasty suprise ending. There's a pretty good chance I'd do high school AND the hymen business differently knowing what I know now. Chalk this one up as another great entry and another slash on the 'How I Wish I Could Write' column.

[Kevin (Always Home and Uncool)]

Trouty, you had me all the way through. Excellent.

[Homemaker Man]

Hello. I really liked that. Honest, witty and without self pity.