The Alphabet of Regret: I is for Me, Myself & I

We're all on board with the fact that I'm a big ol' drug addict, right?  No worries, I'm not pounding away at this keyboard, soon to be interrupted by the compulsion to smoke a joint, down a 5th of Jim Beam, throw pills down my own throat or pop some skin in an attempt to...

...an attempt to?

An attempt to feed the monster that is addiction.

Indeed, I've been clean for over two decades now and cannot even remember the last time I was interrupted by even a thought of feeding the monster.

Doesn't that sound goooooood!  Don't you want to be one of those people who goes to the addict they wish would get clean and say,

"Look.  I know this lady.  She's clean over 20 years.  Why don't you do that now?  Right fucking now, because I've had all I can take of you pretending you need money for..."

For what?  What do addicts tell people they need money for?

Baby diapers? The utility bill?  Books for school?  Therapy?

Yeah, all of that.  Active addicts know your tender spots and exploit them.  They know if thinking of a baby with a dirty diaper or imagining you living in the dark will disturb you more.  They know if you are thinking advancing their education or going to therapy will make them shape up.  Being high will never ever take away from the fact that a using addict is always capable of being the Dean of the 'Department of Human Exploitation'.

It's so easy to judge the proclivity using addicts have toward exploiting other human beings.  And yet, we've all seen a movie, read a book or seen something on the news about the behavior of human beings in hostage situations that have made us wonder...

What would I do if a monster held a loaded gun to my head, cocked the trigger, and said,

"Steal and then pawn your grandmother's wedding ring, or your fuckin' head is going to be on the wall behind you in a million bloody pieces."

And so it goes in the depths of active addiction; a gradual development of a core of self-centeredness based so deeply in a belief that not feeding the monster will end our lives that we will do anything.  Anything.  Eventually, anything.

What any addict comes into recovery with is a guilt that sits in a tiny seething ball of never ending production at the pit of our stomachs.  It leaks a constant and foul stream of reminders of all we have done into every fiber of our being.  Some of us, though clean from drugs, continue down a path of trying to cover it up.  Some of us try to sex or eat it away.  We smoke cigarettes, gamble, work 90, 100, even 120 hours in a week.  We read so many self-help books so quickly that we can't possibly remember even one tidbit of information from them.

Oddly enough, the worst response to all of the guilt is deciding we will simply be good.  But being good is never strong or able to be sustained if the motivation behind it is anything along the lines of, "I just don't want to be bad."

True goodness that holds the power to change a life, change a family, change the world, is based in simply doing the right thing for the right reason.

Being a truly good person is motivated by a desire to experience freedom and goodwill.  It is motivated by wanting to live a life without shame or self-loathing.

There are spouses who say,

"I don't fuck around on my spouse because it's a bad thing to do."

There are spouses who say,

"I don't fuck around on my spouse because remaining true to my committment enhances my life."

Yes, the result will be the same:  not fucking around on our spouse.  But one is, perhaps, with white knuckled devotion to being good, while the other is about enhancement, freedom and goodwill. 

Years into my recovery I sat in a meeting with 11 other recovering drug addicts discussing the the topic of humility.  Between the 12 of us we had almost 250 years of combined clean time.  We had, individually, spent years contemplating our own personal relationships to humility. 

In this particular discussion, we were discussing the nasty turns it is possible to take when attempting to follow humility.  We discussed the result of not practicing it enough:  Arrogance. 

And then we got stuck.

"I've got to remember not to toot my own horn too much," said one, summing it up for the rest of us quite well.

But the Greek among us was dissatisfied with this conclusion.  He was looking down at the paperwork in front of him, his brow furrowed and slightly shaking his head back and forth.

He raised his hand to garner our attention and said,

"This is so American, this business of not tooting one's own horn.  Yes, if our motivation is to remain above or better than other human beings, this is arrogance.  But what about when we have a skill, experience or quality that could be helpful in a given situtation?  In Greece we announce these things.  We stand up and announce that we have something that will help, and we smile as we are doing it because it is a joy to be able to help.  To avoid doing so out of fear of appearing arrogant to ourselves or another is nothing short of false humility.  It is false modesty.  It is a lie."

The room fell silent and a new door opened.  And then I began to announce myself.

No, I did not jump from my chair in that very meeting and list my skills, experiences or qualities that I believe are good.  But my language changed.  My presentation of myself morphed into something so much more real.  I began announcing it (and smiling as I did so) when I had information that might help.

And I became more free from the monster called addiction that would have me stop short, slow down, hush my mouth when it comes to announcing the truth about me; what I have and do not have, what I know and do not know.

And I became more free from the monster called addiction because I no longer share what I share about myself out of a desire to be good.  But because of a desire to be truthful and free.

Comments

[Cheryl]

About a year into this gig I was lucky enough to hear someone voice a very similar sentiment. While it was there in my head, being good was in my heart. That 2 foot trip from head to heart has taken 5 long years to complete. Awesome post.

[Susan (Trout Towers)]

I've spent years on the wrong side of the "steal your grandmother's ring" scenario (not that there's a right side). This sheds light where I've been too angry to look before.

Thank you.

[Mr Lady]

Ouch.

I mean that in the most awesomely amazing way.

Fucking OUCH.

[Jett]

I loved this so much....so full of truth and triumph.

[ms picket to you]

I struggle to comment.
What more can be said then
Good God.

When I am in my best self, I get it.

When I'm not... You know.