What Happens After You Check In

I hate this rug.

It's just so round. I hate most things that are round, now that I think about it. There's an abject hopelessness in circles that gnaws at my insides. Everything should have an end point; a place where it just stops. Circles refuse to stop. I hate circles.

And this rug is going to sit here staring me back in the face for I don't even know how long. 

*wiggles in seat* This chair. They could have at least given me a new chair, one that didn't spin around in circles. I have no idea how I'm going to do this every day. 

*paces around room* Even the freaking walls make a circle. And these windows! What's the point of big open windows that look out onto big, manicured courtyards if I can't open the fucking windows? I get that they have to lock me in this room, but do they have to rub it in my face that they're locking me in this room? A little bit of fresh air never killed anyone, seriously.

Well, except John Kennedy.

I really should have thought this through.

It sounded like a good idea at the time. I thought it would help. I thought I could make everything better. I thought it would mean a better life for everyone I knew if I just said yes but now I'm here and there are circles everywhere and this room is too big and the silence is going to kill me and why won't someone knock on this door and talk to me?

*knock at door* Your lunch has arrived. 

Turkey and cream cheese bagels. With cucumber slices. OF COURSE. Round, round, round, round. It's all a circle. Ev. Er. Y. Thing is a circle. 

A HA. That's the point! That's it's all a big circle and I can't do anything about it so I might as well get used to it. Well, that's not very inspirational. No, I'm not buying it at all! That's not why I signed up for this shit, to lay back and resign myself to a world full of hopeless, soul-crushing circular patterns, oh no. I came here to make change. I came here to break cycles. I came here to do something, and my first order of business is going to be to make this bagel sandwich a square so I can eat it.

Anyone got a knife? *crickets*

Oh, of course not. Don't give me a knife, oh no. You know what? I'M HERE VOLUNTARILY, PEOPLE. I can have a goddamn knife if I want one. I have to CHANGE THINGS.

*glances over to change jar on desk* The change is even round. This is going to be a lot harder than I though.

I just don't understand why no one is here to talk to me yet. I have been listening to people tell me what to do for months. Everyone kept yapping about how much I needed to go, how much they needed me to make everything better, how important it was that I do this.

Opinions are like blogs, man. Everyone has one.

And you know what? I still have twitter. They can't take that away from me. *pulls out cell phone* c-h-a-n-g-e c-h-a-n-g-e - send. That could be a whole blog post actually. We can't change anything until we change change. Until we get rid of change, the world will never be a better place. I'm totally onto something here. CHANGE IS THE ENEMY.

*0 replies*

Where the fuck is everyone? Was there a fucking zombie apocalypse this morning and no one told me? Goddammit, zombies are gnawing at my mother's brains and I'm trapped in a round room and the circular rug won't stop staring at me and there isn't even anyone on TWITTER to comfort me? Fine, I'll do it myself.

*lights cigarette*

*door opens* I'm sorry, sir, there's no smoking inside. 

Now someone talks to me. What, do they have this room bugged? I'm going to find the cameras and I am going to crush them right here in the middle of this big round rug and then they'll see. Then they'll know who they're messing with. It would take a nation of millions to hold me back! HAHAHAHAHA!

*knock at door* Mr President, it's time for your first address to the nation.

Can you make sure the camera lens is a rectangle?

Comments

[Palinode]

Someone needs to interview Obama right away and ask him about circles.

[BusyDad]

Awesome in so many ways. I guess you DO have to be nuts to be president.

[Jett]

The punchline to this one made me laugh SO hard.

OH TEH CIRCLES!

[Edwin Perello]

The square room I'm in right now is just a pointy circle. It 360 degrees! =-O

Ohgawddammit!!1

[TwoBusy]

That right there? A pure exercise in fun. gOOd times.

[Susan (Trout Towers)]

Woohooooo! Nice punch.

[Skye]

Funny shit and that punch line? w00t w00t!

[foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)]

So here's my deal. I can't read any of the magnificence that is other people's contributions to this site until after I've written my own. I'm just about ready to wrap mine up tonight, so I figured why not saunter over here and deal, right? Imagine my pure delight to find out that my story - WHICH ALSO MENTIONS ZOMBIES AND A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!! - is going to follow your piece of pure delight?!

(Sorry for the yelling. That comes standard with zombies, I think.)

This did honestly delight me. I'm thrilled I didn't skip to the comments and have the twist revealed. I hate when that happens.

[Kevin (Always Home and Uncool)]

Zoinks! Dang you, you sneaky woman!

[ms picket to you]

Leave it to Mr Lady to assure me that there's always some genius made from cowshit.

I would kiss you on the lips if I could.. That's how much I loved this.

ZOW! POW! ZOOM! And I'm not just talking about the ending.

Brazilliant!

[Holmes]

POW! Nice. I very much enjoyed this.